Thanks to Professors Obama, Pelosi, Reid, Dodd, Frank, and Schumer

I don’t understand how you can be so hard on President Obama? Weren’t any of you here for the schooling of 2011? That year, thanks to professors Obama, Pelosi, Reid, Dodd, Frank, and Schumer, was the most explosive period of intellectual growth in my life. In that short year I came to understand some basic and fundamental truths of our new fundamentally changed America:

• Hard work is for suckers. Wait for someone else to produce something, find a way to cast yourself as their victim, and then take what you want.

• Successful people are evil because they show others that innovation, risk taking, and hard work leads to success. The people MUST believe that the government is COMPLETELY in control of each person’s success.

• Only idiots think that living within a budget is possible or practical. Intelligent people know that the federal budget is just part of a highly sophisticated system that must be ratcheted up from time to time. Passing legislation to limit the debt is just a polite custom that soothes that silly part of the public that still hold onto quaint ideas about the value of promises.

• If you are white, you should be ashamed. If you are also a male, you should be doubly ashamed. If you are also a small business owner who has the audacity to believe that what you earn is yours, you should just nip off and hang yourself.

• Children have no business being exposed to the teachings of their parents. It takes too long for professional teachers in our fine public schools to undo all the indoctrination received at home. The endless drivel spouted by parents about compassion, honor, responsibility, courage, kindness, and most importantly individual achievement would certainly ruin our culture if it were not for the tireless efforts of our public school teachers and especially their unions.

• There are two kinds of Americans: Democrats and racists.

• Christians are bad.

• 9% unemployment is a very good thing because it could have been 90% unemployment. The stimulus kept the unemployment to an unbelievably low rate. We should all be very, very thankful.

• The American Experiment is a very bad idea because it naturally discriminates against people with deficits of knowledge, energy, courage, honor, and tenacity. These are the VERY people that geniuses like John Rawls say that society should advocate. The American Experiment may create an incredibly high quality of life for society at large, but people in the lower socio-economic rungs naturally feel envy - no human should ever feel bad about their station in life or their accomplishments. The American Experiment is brutal idea from a brutal time.

• America has caused the world so much damage that we should just say we are sorry, tear up our completely outdated constitution, and beg the Muslim Brotherhood for guidance.

I can’t believe I was able to live with myself prior to 2011 – back then I was intellectually and morally bankrupt. But now I get it. Now, I am at peace. Now I can finally enjoy Bill Maher.

I really wish all of these unenlightened journalists would just lease a clue.